Episode 26 Strengthening Relationships: 7 Ways Leaders Lose with Joshua K. McMillion
Lose at Strengthening Relationships
Tales of Leadership | Episode 26 | Joshua McMillion
In today’s episode, I’m walking you through seven ways leaders can lose at the third phase of leadership, which is strengthening relationships. I’ve already covered the six phases of leadership at a high level, and I’ve also done deep dives into phase one, self-leadership, and phase two, situational leadership. At this point in the journey, you have taken over a position, and now you are in the decisive phase where you either build authentic relationships with your team or you fall into transitional leadership habits.
Phase three of leadership is, in my opinion, the most critical phase of building out your leadership bridge. If you win here, you become a transformational leader. If you lose here, you will never move beyond authority and position. Leaders who neglect to focus on relationships and cultivate trust will never move beyond situational leadership. There is no magic timeline for moving from phase two to phase three. Leaders must follow their intuition and move toward their team authentically and quickly while still producing results. Leaders do not become great because they have power. They become great because they empower.
The first way leaders lose at strengthening relationships is by being too soft. Leaders who genuinely invest in their organizations can sometimes be viewed as soft or overly sympathetic, especially in tough environments. But your goal is not to build friendships. Your goal is to show up authentically and make decisions based on what is best for the team, not what is easiest for individuals. Be prepared to piss people off. That is part of leadership. Your goal should not be to gain people’s favor, but to earn their trust and gain their respect. Building authentic relationships is not weakness. It is required if you want a cohesive team that consistently produces wins.
The second way leaders lose is through a fear of others or a fear of being taken advantage of. I used to tell my formation that I loved each of them like family, and I meant that. But I would also tell them not to mistake my kindness for weakness. There will always be a small percentage of people who will try to take advantage of a leader who cares. That is not a reason to stop caring. That is a reason to hold those people accountable. Preventing yourself from establishing authentic relationships because of a risk of being burned prevents you from inspiring thousands of people. If people can connect emotionally with you, they will buy into your vision and pour themselves into achieving it.
The third way leaders lose at this phase is by not being authentic. Authentic leaders who are transparent, vulnerable, and honest build trust. Leaders who hide behind rank, ego, or image do not. We have all heard the phrase open door policy, but I challenge leaders to remove the doors from the wall entirely. You need to lead with windows. Hold yourself accountable when you make mistakes. Share those lessons with the organization. Be vulnerable enough to admit when your error caused the team to fail. To gain trust and build strong relationships, you must lead with deeds and words, or others will know you are being disingenuous. Authenticity is not weakness. It is one of the strongest things a leader can bring to an organization.
The fourth way leaders lose at strengthening relationships is by trying to be liked. Leadership is not likership. This is not a popularity contest. You are the leader for a reason, and that means you must make tough decisions. Those decisions will not always be popular. Some people on your team will not like your decisions, and that is okay. Your job is not to gain popularity. Your job is to inspire, to build trust, and to move the organization forward. The moment you start chasing approval instead of purpose, you start weakening your leadership.
The fifth way leaders lose is by not accepting the whole person. Leaders cannot have one version of themselves at work, another with their family, and another in private. Leadership is not a light switch. You do not get to turn it on and off based on convenience. If you want to build deep relationships with your team, you have to lead the whole person, and that starts with leading your whole self. Everyone on your team has a work life, a family life, and personal goals. If you fail to accept that, you will struggle to build meaningful relationships. You are not just leading performance at work. You are leading people with real lives, real struggles, and real goals. A great leader once told me that when you are selected for a leadership position, you are a leader 24/7. That is a hard truth, but it is true.
The sixth way leaders lose at this phase is by not being consistent. It takes time to build lasting relationships. Some leaders come out hot when they first take over a team, but then shift back to chasing results and neglecting the very relationships they worked to build. That inconsistency weakens trust. You must continue to show up for yourself first and then for others from a place of overflow. Leadership is not for the faint of heart, and it does not end once you assume the position. That is when the challenge truly begins. To build authentic relationships, you must do routine things well and remain disciplined enough to keep showing up when times get hard. It takes routine, accountability, and discipline. If you want to be a RAD leader, be routine, accountable, and disciplined.
The seventh way leaders lose at strengthening relationships is by avoiding ownership. Leaders lose precious time if they cannot allow their team to complete tasks because they believe they can do it better. As a leader, you need to empower your organization to take ownership. Once you transfer ownership to your team members, it allows you the time and space to keep building relationships. If you consistently rescue your team when they encounter an obstacle, then you are teaching them there will be no accountability. If you consistently save people from the consequences of their actions, you are building dependency, not leadership. Your team is always watching. Once you set the precedent that someone will always be rescued, you start to erode accountability inside the organization.
Final Thoughts
Phase three is the decisive point in becoming a transformational leader. If you do not take the time up front to build authentic relationships, you will fail to become the type of leader your team actually needs. Building close relationships with your team is not weakness. It is not softness. It is not being overly emotional. It is leadership.
Leadership is messy, and you must lead the whole person, including and most importantly yourself. To do that, you have to be honest, vulnerable, and willing to show emotion when it matters. But above all, you have to be consistent. If you fail to live the values and principles you want reflected in your organization, your team will mirror that. If you fail to live the standard, your team will not rise above it.
Be routine in your actions, hold yourself and others accountable, and have the discipline to follow through when times get tough. Let these seven ways leaders lose at strengthening relationships inspire you to avoid them. We all have greatness inside, but it is up to us to forge those abilities.
After Action Review
How are you building authentic connections with your team?
In what ways do you hold yourself and others accountable, and are they the same?
What action are you doing now that could be handed over to someone else on your team?
Tales of Leadership Mission: To develop Purposeful Accountable Leaders (PAL)
by arming you with the tools required to lead with purpose, integrity, and accountability.
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